This is an Emergency... What happened to that black girl magic?

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY... what happened to that black girl magic?

Hello Pumpkin Spices,
For a while now, I have been contemplating writing a blog about disrespect toward women, I am up bright and early to speak about the foolishness that happened yesterday. Everyone knows that I love my melaninated brothers and sisters and that it is my job to protect them, so here it goes. Does anyone notice the amount of hatred and degradation being poured into the world of Pop Culture? What about the alleged relationship between Rob Kardashian and Angela "Blac Chyna" White? or Wendy Williams reaction to it.  If you don't recall, or you purposely took yourself out of the equation, seeing that it does nothing for the growth of your pocketbook, then good. I commend you but I will also give you a recap.

Yesterday social media users were caught in another drama scene between celebrities, this time it was between Blac Chyna and the Kardashians, Rob Kardashian, to be exact. There is a rumor that they are dating, and of course, social media trolls unleashed a furry of hate and pure comedy onto the world. Post ranged from congratulating to down right evilness. IF you know me and have gotten a taste of whats in this Apple Tree, than you know, that I am the Queen of supporting women all across the globe. That being said you also know that I am a huge BlacChyna supporter and I support all petty antics. I believe women should be treated with respect regardless of their race, sex, class, occupation, religion, etc. However the same people who claim they share my beliefs, are usually the oppressors. Do not stand in front of a podium and proclaim that black girls are beautiful, strong, ambitious, are formidable etc., and with the same tongue call them whores, gold diggers, thots, bad mothers, ugly, weak etc.

 

Before anyone thinks this post is about my opinion on their relationship, let me stop you,
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM AS A COUPLE.

 I am here to address Wendy Williams degradation of Chyna on her show. Why Wendy? Well because Wendy Williams is known for her gossip show, and her ability to be shady toward other woman.  CAUTION... Do not get me wrong. I love Wendy Williams. Her story from being the underdog to the women on top is inspiring. I know Wendy to say what she wants about anyone, and at anytime. I just don't like to hear other women negatively speaking about other women. Most importantly Wendy is a woman with a lot of supporters, and a lot of listening ears; Therefore should be protecting the images of women not destroying them. I am also not here to say Wendy should like all women but I am here to say she should not degrade or perpetuate the idea of belittling women. Wendy proceeded to address the situation between the Kardashians and BlacChyna by calling her a thot. How dare she as a women ever say that about another women. When influencers speak things into existence, it gives other people the will to say things as well. My disappointment is not with the fact that she shares an opinion about BlacChyna that differs from mine, the problem with her statement is the amount of reinforcement of disrespect she is preaching. Not just this particular woman but many women engage in this sort of behavior, especially entrainment news specialist.

These "Role Models" make my tired ass, tired. I am tired of the disrespect, the degradation, the self hate, the shaming and all forms of negativity. I am tired of every form of shaming, make up shaming, slut shaming, fat shaming, skinny shamming, body shaming, life shamming etc. Could it be that women are more intimidated by one another, that a simply compliment just will not do? We need more positivity within our community. What about Black Girls Rock, Black Girl Magic, Brown Baddies, Melanin on Fleek, S.O.S Supporting Our Sistas, P.B.W Power of Black Women and etc.

I cannot solve the problem alone, but I am here to ask that we reevaluate what we say and how we treat our women. If you wouldn't want a man calling you that then you shouldn't have to hear a women call you it either.  Its okay and perfectly normal to have disdain for someones actions, but calling them out their names or using words that belittle and degrade them is not only wrong but its unfair to Women in general/  ladies the next time you decide to speak negatively of the next women, just ask yourself, is that the sort of energy I want to put into the world?
By all means don't stop being petty if that's is what you love, but I too, know the most supportive petty people in the world. Petty doesn't always bring others down.

It is Wednesday, so therefore for the first time I am making a Woman's Crush Everyday list: These are the woman I look up to and that I believe are positive role models for me. You too should make one and share it as well, hashtag #SupportingOthersBlackGirlMagic.


My Women Crush Everday Crew is:
1. Angela Bassett
2. Cicely Tyson
3. Kerry Washington
4.  Angela White aka Blac Chyna
5. Teyonah Parris
6. De' Angela Giles
7. Michelle Obama
8. Monique
9. Jennifer Lewis
10. Asia Alvarez
11. Uzo Aduba
12. Tina Fey
13. Wendy Williams
14. Jennifer Hudson
15. Charlize Theron
16. Toni Morrison
15. Lynn Nottage
16. Karen Civil
17. Lauren Fluker
18. Regina Hall
19. Regina King
20. Oprah
21. Nia Long
22. Teyana Taylor
23. Viola Davis
24. Octavia Spencer
25. Taraji P. Henson
26. bell hooks
27. Ava DuVernay
28. Shonda Rhimes <3
29. Gabourey Sidibe
30. Brittney Jackson
31. Erykah Badu
32. Lauryn Hill
33. Jill Scott
34. Zoe Kravitz
35. Janelle Monae
36. Angela Simmons
37. Sharee Davis
 38. Jessica Carpenter
39. The house of June
40. Tika Sumpter
41. Tracee Ellis Ross
42. Amber Riley
43. Loren Lott
44. Heather Lindsey
45. Alfre Woodard
46. Kimberly Elise
47. YaYa Shahidi
48. Loretta Devine
49. Zoe Saldana
50. Tessa Thompson
51. Brittany McCullers
52. Lauren Martinez
53. Serena Williams
54. Denessia Law
55. K'la Everett
56. Lauryn Hill
57. Lynn Whitfield
58. Ayana Iman
59.Amandla Stenberg
60. Amber Withey
61. Antonia Martin
62. Reeyana Sehgeh (Myself)
63. Rihanna

 and so many more. These woman exemplify the kind of positive vibes that I like to see, and hear. Women with voices and talent. You will see a lot of celebrities and a few of my friends. Get on board and make a list of the women that inspire you.
Random: What about Stacey Dash?
Me: I Said Black
Random: Tina Fey is on this list.
Me: Well, a few of us decided to have a meeting about it and the conclusions was that Tina, is a fair and better trade.


All that negativity has to go... burn it!

Men and Their Disrespect Toward Women Has to End

                         

As I watch this terrible television show, that follows the lives and whereabouts of your favorite celebrities, I notice that the differences between the ways the host speaks about the stories dealing with women vs. men. They are extremely sexist and disrespectful. Here it is, another day of women being bashed for living their lives freely, and minding their own businesses. So, The story goes a woman was dating this rapper and had a child by him and eventually he left her. They host says maybe you shouldn’t be with a man because he is rich aka “Stop gold-digging”. 

Why do men treat woman so badly? What is it about the woman that has all of these “Men” treating us like all we have to offer the world is parts of our bodies that pleases them? What is it about her that causes men to think its okay to disrespect and degrade us, while we live to lift them up? It must be the power! Women have been succeeding amongst our male counterparts at equal to greater rates in the status quo than ever before (I guess that’s what happens when you decide to finally give woman the rights they deserve). Women are running more and more businesses and the film industry is being taken by storm with women leaders as well. If you believe that is too much of a reach, then let me break it down for you. Women are not taking the back seat to anything anymore and that my friend is causing problems, maybe its their egos being slaughtered, or their paychecks being the same, maybe just maybe she is better equipped in every aspect of life and most simple minded men just cannot take it anymore.

Well, if you cannot take the heat, maybe you should get out of the Kitchen!

One of my guy friends told me he met a girl a few weeks ago at some type of hipster coffee shop. They started talking (not dating) and things were going great – but as time passed she became too attached. Out of curiosity, I asked him why he felt the way he did. He said, “She was falling in love” similar to what he experienced with a different woman he was involved with. His actions showed he really liked this new woman in his life. He was taking her out on dates almost every other day. He spent the majority of his time with her. For him to say she was getting attached was a bit odd to me. His actions didn’t line up with his feelings. He only wanted to sleep with her nothing more. Once he achieved his goal, he stayed around for a bit but eventually without a word or a hint of a goodbye he left altogether. He blocked her phone number, email and all of her social media.

As soon as he knew she couldn’t contact him, he moved on and decided it would be a great idea to let his friends know about it. A few of them laughed but of course everyone braced himself or herself for my opinion because I’m not one to sit around and let someone treat others wrong. I told him the obvious; he should have handled the situation totally different. This wasn’t cool and I wanted to know why he didn’t tell her his intentions. He actually thought discussing his intentions with her would be too serious of a conversation to have.

If you think it’s okay to have sex within the first few nights it should be appropriate to ask about someone’s intentions. Sex is more serious than a simple conversation. As adults, we can choose to have sex whenever we want. I didn’t fault him for wanting to have sex with her,  he is human. However I did have an issue with the way he went about it. He openly discussed his sexual life with his group of friends and laughed about how he used a woman for sex. I couldn’t support a friend who treated a woman like a she was nothing but a mere toy. He had zero regard for feelings or emotions, nor did he think that we, his group of friends would have a problem with what he was saying. Not only did he disrespect the people who raised her, he disrespected her by pursuing her sexually with the false hopes of a relationship. No one should be treated the way he treated her.

Now some of people would say she disrespected herself. Times have definitely changed. We live in an age where men are respected for their misdeeds while women are looked down upon for their actions. My friend tried to remove the title of a Queen by reaching for her vagina and not her crown. He thought that he dominion over her because he is good looking, has a penis, and a degree. In the end he really played his own self. He simply believed telling women they are beautiful would open their hearts, minds and eventually their legs.

Just imagine you believe everything to be going well and the next day the person you spent your time, energy, and body with doesn’t answer your phone calls, texts or even social media messages. Every means of communications is gone but the memories from the night before are in the back of your mind. How would that make a person feel? Unimportant and misused, I am guessing. When my friend decided to stop acting like a jerk and reached out to her she in return blocked him from everything. It was well deserved if you ask me! I haven't heard much about the situation since it happened but its time men realize they don't have the power that they think they do!

It is funny because I once thought that the power of a woman resided in her man/husband. Now I realize power resides in her, and everything she does is a direct reflection of her respect for the person she allowed to lead the relationship. A woman will support her man or husband through every accomplishment and shortcoming, and will not question taking the back seat to see her mate win. Now, in the same respect when a man doesn’t realize that he is winning because of her, she can take that power he thinks he has and let it crash around him. That usually happens in the early boyfriend stages. Something about the term boyfriend doesn't really account for anything to me. Too many relationships are temporary. Temporary situations, temporary love, lust and temporary care for one another. TOO MANY MEN (using Men loosely) THINK OBTAINING SEX FROM A WOMAN IS A THE ULTIMATE GOAL. There isn’t enough support, prayer, encouragement, friendship, respect, humility, truth, guidance, faith and discretion. Power comes from within. Woman are powerful beyond measure, we control this universe.

In conclusion, women deserve to be treated like queens. Why do men find it a necessary act of rights to dehumanize women in any way? To my women out there, we have to stop believing in this false sense of love that we see at the movies. Why? Because many of us, while in search of that hopeless romantic sap story, will get stuck with someone who doesn’t do half of what we see and always dream of him being more than what he is. Stop falling for everyone’s potential. In the beginning, they will go out of their way to show you who they COULD be but its not always how they WILL be. We can imagine a high level of greatness for someone and begin losing sleep to make sure they reach it, but we never stop and think to ourselves, sometimes, people just never live up to their potential. 

-Reeyana Sehgeh

Leaving 2015 in Sehgeh Style

Goodbye 2015...

As 2015 ends and a new year begins, I reflect on the many things that has transpired this year. I am sitting in my room and I just have so many things to ponder about. First things first, the biggest message I have learned this year is "INJUSTICE WILL CONTINUE TO PREVAIL IF ONE CANNOT PROVE AN INJUSTICE HAS ACTUALLY OCCURRED"

I LOVE BEING BLACK!!!

I am a Negro: Black as the night is black, Black like the depths of my Africa.
-Langston Hughes

Was that random? Yes it was but if 2015 hasn't taught me anything other than self love and love for my own people then it hasn't taught me anything. I still fall hopelessly in love with the wrong people, I still workout all day and eat all night, I still hate going into my place of employment, and I still daydream of my life once I get into Yale School of Drama and excel at all possible levels of life.  Of course the tribulations and the hard times will come but I remain positive, and I refuse to entertain the negative that is happening in my life up to this point.

So whats happening with school? 

Graduated from Undergrad.

Applying for Graduate school and completely devastated about the application Fees

Whats happening with your love life?

It is so unstable right now... Hell its all over the place... Think I like someone but he seems to be focused on himself only, but he is teaching me to stay in my lane and not to rush things to fast (or at all). Don't know if I can change his mind or if thats a battle that will inevitably be lost. I guess I'll just have to ride the wave until the storm calms and I can swim to shore. My exes are popping up in my life right and left and I am learning that you do not have to remain friends with someone because you once dated.  

What is happening with your friends? 

My friends are out here being amazing. Some are reaching major milestones in their careers and others are still trying to figure out how to tie differentiate between rent and mortgage, and Some are complacent for the moment, and they haven't found their motivation as of yet.

What is going on with your family?

My dad is sick battling cancer but he said he is getting better. I also refuse to believe that until the doctors tell me he is in the clear. My brother is being a great dad and he is planning to move to Arizona, My baby brother is a genius and my baby sister is a up and coming model (they say she acts a lot like me). My nephews are still adorable and causing a ruckus. I just met my dads side of the family a few months ago and it has been amazing so far, they want to fly me to Guinea in April. I have a few aunts and uncles and my family is much bigger than I thought. 

Whats going on with you? 

I want peace and prosperity. I want love and truth and I want to be free from all negative things in my life. I want to wake up seeing the bright side in everything and everyone and I no longer want to hold any grudges. I want to be so great in this world that it hurts, I want to get better at filmmaking, and acting and most importantly my grammar. I write as if I have never taking a english composition class in my life. I am the queen of run on sentences, lack of punctuation, and length text. I take pride in that but I am too old for that and that is simply unacceptable. I want to be happy but most of all I want to be formidable, and a woman that girls all around the world are inspired by. I want to be able to look at my family and children and say, years ago, I thought I wouldn't win until I made the decision that I would and that I could. I want my girls to be so well respected and loved that they demand respect and attention from all of those who encounter them. I want my sons, nieces, nephews, and etc. to be so respected, powerful, genuine, sweet and intelligent that the mere mention of Sehgeh gives them high praises, and unlimited power. Power that no one can ever take from them. People wonder why I cry and stress so much well its because power doesn't come easy. I don't need the fame for beauty, or anything else thats vain. I require power for my children and their children, and my childrens' children children and so on.  

Any wishes for 2016?

To be great... for opportunities to pour out endlessly... to be formidable... to be a shinning light to someone... to get and be a mentor... to work on set as an actor and director... to donate money to charities all around the world... to travel... to be happy... to stop looking for someone to complete me, and to complete myself... to fall in love with my people... to embrace my culture... to work on my temper... to stop entertaining negative people... to work on my grammar... to blog about what I want...to make him more powerful then he already is... to make my family proud... financial freedom... debt free... I want to be happier and I want everyone around me to be the same <3

Hello 2016... What will I be doing in 2018? That's what I want to know lol 

How was 2015? 

I loved it! It was amazeballs. Shoutout to my family and friends and all those people out there who believe in me even when I don't believe in myself...

Let the Photos Guide Your way....

HALLOWEEN WAS A GREAT. LITTLE RED FROM THE HOODS MEETS

MINNIE FROM DA BLOCK. ALL ABOUT THE CHEESE...NAHMEAN?

My friends summed up in a face expression.... Squad Goals

Jill Scott Performs Powerful Rendition of Billie Holiday's 'Strange Fruit'

Today, as I laid in my bed reflecting on my day at work,  a link on my computer about one of my favorite singers and actresses, Jill Scott, performing Strange Fruit popped up. I instantly clicked on the link because two of my favorite things were in one place, with one sound, and one strong performance and that is Billie Holiday's Strange Fruit and of course Jill Scott.  Before Jill performed her rendition of the song, the audience was greeted by wise words spoken by the timeless Morgan Freeman. Words spoken so thoroughly that even if your eyes weren't open to the problems plaguing the black community, your ears definitely were. Freeman's words did not sugar coat the truth or did they try to refrain from making one feel any negative emotion. It was intended to make you feel aware, now if your awareness makes you feel sad, angry, upset, bothered, or etc. I guess we can settle for that as well, but the fact of the matter is he spoke a truth, a truth in a tone that was so dark, so truthful, so still that the light in the message itself could illuminate the room. Freeman said "The images that we see all too often, on the news, are haunting, and haunt us they should; as vivid reminders that we have not come as far as we like to imagine".

 This happens within the same few days of the video of the Black Chicago teenager, Laquan McDonald being shot 16 times by Chicago Police Officer was released. This is the same video that they tried to keep a secret, that people said the boy was probably in the wrong and deserved it. This is the same video that brings fear and anger into the eyes of any one who watches it. Fear that are children will never be more that a skin color that is not wanted, the fear that it may one day be the image or video of one of our children who's body lays out on the cold ground as life slips from its grips. As his body hit the ground in the video and his body jerks, I think of the pain his family will never be able to forget. The snatching of a life that his fellow brothers experienced decades ago in lynch crimes. Crimes against those who skin color was deemed inappropriate and whose body burned and hung fighting the wind through the night into the morning sun. it  combined with Jill Scott's chilling performance left goosebumps on my body. 

"Strange Fruits", originally started as a poem by a white Jewish poet by the name of Abel Meeropol,  but once Billie Holiday got her hands onto it, the master piece had yet another greater purpose. Decades later, and it is still one of the most powerful, Black movement songs to date. A song about pain, struggle, and the reality of so many people in the 20th century. Women, Men and Children lives taken from them, and left to be stripped of their pride, and lives to be just bodies with untold stories that never will be completed, just bodies swinging from trees for the amusement of cowards.

Jill Scott along with other popular artist such as Pharell Williams, Ed Sheeran, Jamie Foxx, Pink Alicia Keys, John Legend, Miguel, and a few more great artist performed to address and bring awareness to racial inequality. The racial inequity that plagues America. The racial inequality that forces parents to teach their children that their lives are precious but could end in any moment simply for the melanin tied into their bodies. I rented a book in my sophomore year of college at Clark Atlanta University called Lynching in America, I needed the book to do a research paper on laws and codes such as slave codes, Jim crow and any others that Black men and women were forced to accept during any period of time within the U.S., not forgetting to mention Black incarceration rates  and methods of punishment for Black people in the 19th and 20th Century, as well as in the present day. I then stumbled upon a book called The New Jim Crow, which was authored by the brilliant Michelle Alexander and she describes the way the system has been fixed to redesign racial caste systems in America.  This book made me question if the "system" would ever be able to be fixed. A question, that still goes unanswered. Just another question drifting into the breeze, just another body lost to violence, just another person lost to racial inequality... 

There is so much one could say, and only a small piece of the pie would be tasted. These issues happening within one community is devastatingly painful but doesn't prevent the issues from being none the less real.  

Straight Outta Compton: Reaction

Straight Outta Compton Reaction: Original Posted months ago

With tantalizing, and informative rhymes that ripped the streets of the West coast - N.W.A 

gave a new  sound to the world of Hip Hop. Plaguing the world with lyrics that highlighted the police brutality and the perplexities of impoverished lifestyles associated with living within the hoods of Compton, that eventually began spreading relateable information through their lyrics that people from the west to the east coast could identify with, bringing about a 

form of solidarity and unity amongst all street gangs.

Straight Outta Compton was extremely good. From the cinematography to the directing to the acting. Quite honestly I haven't seen a biopic this good since well, Whats Love Got to Do with it! Initially I thought it would be like another bad biopic but I still wanted to support the film because we need more back representation on television, on stage, in the box office, in the stores etc. Black Talent has been undermined and under appreciated for way too long, and it was great too see so many talented people in a film that hit major national numbers. The popularity of the film and the amount of people it brought it It reminded me of what it may have been like to go to the movies in the 80's and 90's when Black Classics such as Boyz in the Hood, the Friday Franchise, Don't Be A Menance, Set it Off etc. came out. Huge Shout out to F. Gary Gary and his creative directing skills that brought those and so many other amazing films to life. 

Back to Straight Outta Compton: From the very beginning of the movie the comedic side of the film was introduced, when Ice Cube (Played by his son O'Shea Jackson Jr.) made a joke about the gang member who got on the bus and gave them a motivational speech about not getting involved with gang banging; the jokes were uphill from there. The story of NWA was not only exciting but uplifting. When the movie premiered movie theatres were upping their police security and I was so confused as to why until the movie released. The movie released at a time when a lot of police brutality and injustice toward the black community was making headlines throughout the world, still is till this day. Not only did people become angered but people realized that fighting for something bigger than yourself is important. why shouldn't we fight for those black little boys and girls who will be subjected to police brutality sometime in their lives, why shouldn't we be upset about how our brothers and sisters are being killed left and right to the violence of police brutality, hate crimes and gang rivalry? You may think Straight Outta Compton is a film that only insinuates hate but it doesn't. It doesn't leave cops out to dry for their crappy behavior, it pulls in gang members as well. Easy-E's story portrayed by Jason Mitchell  had to be the most touching, from comedic to tough to vulnerable to serious to dying, this is one of the only actors throughout the film that made me believe every ounce of this performance . He not only made the audience laugh and cry but he inspired many of the audience members to learn to apologize and be man/ woman enough to admit you are wrong. Once again, I won't say all of my opinion on this matter simply because I want everyone to see it and it give their opinions about it. Lets just say, the movie of the year award would go to this movie here. Hands down!

Leave Them Behind

     So you think you miss your ex?

What is it about them that you can't seem to forget? their eyes, their  scent, the warm kisses, the massages, sweet text messages, sweet phone calls, the forehead kisses, the way they cared about the little things that mattered to you or the times you had to remind him of the things they shouldn't forget, the arguments, the pain, the rebuilding, the love, the lust, the sex, the prospects of a future together? What was it?

For me it was as simple as an accent. As complicated as it was to understand him sometimes, that is what I missed the most. We argued a lot and sometimes it felt like I couldn't figure out my own life because I was so busy trying to figure out what I did wrong and how all my attempts at fixing things in our relationship wasn't working. So many days I would have a depressing date with my past (pity party with non alcoholic beverages). I would make dinner, play music that we both liked, read old text messages, search through old emails we shared, pictures we had taken, videos we had made, and all the other things that we shared as a couple that I hid in my email. This secret stash had a name for it called "Do Not Open Ever" I save all information from previous relationships and I try to never open them. You never know when you have to catch someone in their pathetic lie. But I did TRY, but like most humans, I am flawed and sometimes I did sneak into the crevasses of my mind to daydream about the boy or boys I once loved and the separate lives we would've had, had only I left their trifling asses sooner.

If only I would've learnt to leave them alone sooner. I would've avoided a lot of disappointments and heartbreak. It seemed at the times we were together that those were my happiest moments and then I realised it was not. It was my most gullible moments. I would really believe anything they told me because I was so lost in "LOVE" with them. I was young and naive, because clearly I am only 22. How much love can one person be in when the first fell in love in the 11th grade? Anyway, so I decided to make this post because well I want to encourage other women out there to leave him behind and move on. Yes I think about my exes sometimes, and they always seem to hit me up after not hearing from me for long periods of times but the problem starts when I respond. It would be a terrible lie for me to say I don't miss them as well but to much heart break will drive a sane person crazy. I've also heard men only miss you when you are "looking good" or "doing good". Remember that the next time he inbox you on Facebook, direct messages you on Twitter, Snaps you on Snapchat,  or tries to slide in your DM's on Instagram.

So why do I miss my exes ? I don't! I miss one of my exes but I've been trying to block his trifling self out of my life but he always seems to pop up, no matter how much I avoid my social media the day I decide to comeback he usually is the first picture or a few finger scrolls downs. FML! But why do I miss him? What is it that makes me think of him? Other than the fact that we spent so much time around each other and built a genuine friendship. I think I know why... There are a few things that make me miss my exes and usually its the amount of shit they own that is sitting around my apartment, that I have yet to give back ( that I'll never give it back) or things that they liked me wearing or doing.

These things serve as a constant reminder of the good times, and they range from old clothing articles, perfumes, diamond earrings, lipstick colors (Cyber),  to candle sets, bracelets for valentines day, and a list of other crap that I am obsessed with and that I fight to keep apart of me.

So here I am, telling you all to let go of your exes and my exes are a constant reminder that I have yet to do so as well. See  the hard part about moving on is actually moving on. Do we just forget about all the good times and , but I will tell you anyway. I have acknowledged that I have a problem and I have acknowledged that I have zero negative feelings toward any of my exes. Where they perfect? No! Hell am I perfect ? Yes (NO)! Were they all gentleman? No! Were they all respectful? Not always! Were they faithful? Most of them! Were they Honest? Most of them! Were they all capable of being loved, respected and blessed? Yes but not by me. I was not the woman to change them. I refused to hold their hands and allow them to run over me. (Please note that I am using them as examples in group form but these relationships happened through many different time periods).

Being someones ex is not always a negative thing and it is definitely not always a positive thing. It just means that two people were not compatible enough for a life long relationship. Has all my former relationships left off on good notes? Hecks no! I am sure they all hate or hated me at some point. That's not the point though, the point is simply why couldn't I leave them behind. Simply put, I still dreamt of the day when we could be together. I would dream of the marriage, the house, the happiness, the children, the careers, the good never the bad, the perfect family but I what I failed to do was be realistic. Rushing your relationship or pretending to be perfect doesn't make it a perfect relationship, it simply makes your relationship a ticking time bomb. How many times will you bite your tongue when they are getting on your last nerves just to preserve the image of your perfect relationship? How many times will you forgive someone for the same thing just to uphold the reputation? I'll tell you! You will hold it until you cannot possibly take it any longer, now whether that's it next week or thirty years from now, it will happen. Look at all those relationships out there that are forcing their happiness for status and fame. If that is what you want then so be it. Just remember that you are not the only person in control of the relationship. One day you might wake up and that person has decided that they don't want to be with you, and you will have to marinate on all the time wasted because you want to keep up the image. The question is how much time do you have to spare? 30 minutes, 30 days, or 20 years. If you are not happy, leave them behind.

 Sometimes you have to leave things in the past or they will always be a reminder that you are settling. No matter how cute or attractive they are, your well being is more important. So who cares if you miss them? Leave them behind because you may waste a lot of time and energy for someone who doesn't deserve it. Leave the behind and move the hell on! You and I cannot keep singing the same sad songs.

Lost in the Turbulence

Lost in the Turbulence

Today is July 28th, and as I sit in my room and the stress of the world weighs in on me, I think of a time where my mind was at peace. A time that was far too long ago in my mind but occurred less than a year ago. I wrote in my Journal about this time, and although my journal gives specifics about my life experiences while abroad, I thought it would be too much information for those who weren’t apart of that experience with me. The inside jokes, the friendships gained, the friendships lost, the ability to be lost in a place where no one could help you , the closest family member being a 8 hour flight over the Atlantic Ocean. It was quiet, and quiet was beginning to be something I enjoyed. I feel as if a part of me is left in England, a part of me that I cannot get too because of monetary issues and fear.

Missing the London Breeze

Now that I feel my chances to explore have reached this "imaginary" limit, I reminisce about the times in which my freedom did not have a cap, nor fee. Where I was able to move about the country and the stresses of a 9-5, school and social life was non existent. It was a time that I cherish deep in the pits of my heart. Where my hearts yearns to be. I guess the question is am I happy? Its the happiness of the past, that I seem to latch myself against. The hooks of the Rose Theatre, the Tower of London, Westfield Mall, The Globe Theatre, The London Bridge, The Eye of London, and the art museums the De (my good friend, I met her at Edge Hill University) and I witnessed, that keeps replaying in my mind. I can’t physically hold it, so naturally I am forgetting and that brings me to tears. Its a terrible love and without it I am sick. I am in pain, I am lost. Lost in the times that I can’t relive, with the people I will probably never see again. Its the pain of knowing that there experiences are now what seem to be a distant blurring memory of my undergraduate career. I thought of London everyday since I left, although I only spent a few days there, the architecture is not something you could easily forget. 

The city where  It was the feeling of being in a place that was so unfamiliar that the fear lies in being afraid to not explore it. You have to because like all study abroad trips, there is a closing and as fast as you left the reality of home, the faster you'll will be thrown back into it. It was the freedom I felt with my friends, the freedom to run around the city of London and not hold back one opportunity to be free. At the time, I did not know if the possibility of me once again exploring London would happen, so the amount of walking was necessary, I had to see as much as I could; And that is exactly what we did.   It was just a sense of belonging to something that was greater than me, than us. A new surrounding with people, who not only sounded differently than us, but lived lifestyles that were not typical to America. Seriously, the breakfast was terrible everyday. I would dread the breakfast and I absolutely love breakfast...hmmm the food I will never miss.

The new beginnings where the problems couldn’t permeate is what I cherish the most. I miss the new beginnings. I don’t like routine, and without that city, I feel as if I am in that; a constant routine. Almost like a dog riding with his head hanging out of the window; watching the city as the air hits its face, embracing what can be seen because in a moment of time it will all be gone. A temporary feeling that puts one at peace. I remember packing my bags leaving Edge Hill University with a sickness that not only took over my body but sent me down a spiral depression that I couldn’t wrap my head around. I thought it was because I would miss my friends, the person I cared about, the school that taught me for the past three months, the friendly people, the experience in general, the parties, the talent that overwhelmed the school but I realized it had nothing to do with any person, any party or any particular place. My soul latched to the country, it latched to the idea of starting over. Somewhere between Manchester Airport, London Heathrow, and JFK International Airport and the turbulence and free food, I realized why everyone was sad to be leaving Edge Hill University, It wasn't because of semester was ending but it would truly be the last time all of us would be in the same space for the same reason, it was the experience that we wanted to fully live and the goodbyes that we wanted to avoid. Somewhere between that flight and the movie and the flu I caught, a tear slid down my face. It was the moment that I realized it indeed was over, I was going back to rent, tuition, work, other bills and routine. Oh how I wish I could once again be lost somewhere in that Turbulence once again. 

I’ll See You Again London

<3

Post from December 22, 2014 1:50am

"Currently in New York and awaiting my trip to Atlanta. These past few months have been absolutely amazing. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I decided to Study abroad, but it honestly was one of the best experiences and decisions I've ever made. I learned a few things about myself and self discovery was one of my biggest challenges. I have made some new connections and life long friendships. I will miss my Brits, the African/Caribbean's, The South Americans, The Asians, and my favorite the Irish! I will defintely miss the cafeteria workers and the house keepers, they were extremely friendly and it was a pleasure to meet them. To all my Americans, FINALLY FOOD WE ENJOY LOLOL . the truth is, I was extremely sad to leave and I definitely will miss Edge Hill University but I know that my journey doesn't stop there. Thanks to everyone who made this trip possible. You are truly appreciated.  I wish everyone I met a wonderful and successful life. God Bless"!